I used to be a moderately prolific blogger. Not only did I love doing it, but I think I was, at least kinda, good at it. Then something bad happened and that led to something else bad, and I just stopped. I let that blog die, and that’s one of my biggest regrets. And I made the dumb decision to follow a high school boyfriend to college, so that’s really saying something.
So then I got an email this week reminding me to reup my domain, and I realized I’m doing it all over again! I’m letting (already let?) this blog die too! This blog, my god damned namesake! I think my issue has been a quest for perfection. I know it can’t be reached, “perfection is an abstract thought” my high school marching band conductor once said (at least, that’s how I remember it, but no one else from that time does), but I still tried to make things too nice when I started this out. I imagined this blog from some make-believe reader’s visit a year in the future. They’d read one post, enjoy it, and see a whole year’s worth of similar posts, released in a timely fashion, and know they could rely on me for quality content. But that was fucking dumb.
The truth is, I am incredibly unreliable. (Damn, that feels good to admit!) It’s all just gone down hill my whole life. I started out rather good at getting shit done and always being on time and having my shit together. But that is probably the most thankless form of existence. Seriously, people, don’t waste your time being thoughtful. I mean, be kind to one another, but in the end, fuck ’em, because you become known for this thing and if you ever slip up, it’s the end of the goddamned world, and when you fulfill those duties no one really gives a crap. I’m not saying anyone deserves accolades for being a decent human being, it would have just been nice to be given a pass every now and again when you fuck up like everyone else seems to do on a constant basis.
But none of that really matters since I’m basically not that person anymore. No, current Ashley is a bit of a slacker, at least in my personal life, and this blog, along with my writing, is my personal life. I always imagined writing would become my professional life, but with every passing year, that future gets cloudier and cloudier. I also tell myself that when writing is my actual thing I’ll be better at it, but that’s ridiculous – it will never be your thing if you don’t first get good at it! That’s lesson one folks, and it took me 30 years to really grasp it (if I have at all yet).
So what’s the point? The point is not to be all depressing and negative and have you take away from this blog to always be late to everything and never think of anyone but yourself. The point is, I’m going to try and take this blog back from myself. In trying to emulate what I had before, on my old blog, I’m hoping to get the spark back, and maybe even make myself less of a sack of crap. Can it be done? Only with a hell of a lot of swearing, so gird your loins if you plan to stick around.
I’d still like to write about writing, and I’d still like to write pieces of fiction for posting here. Vacancy will have to go on hiatus (ha – like it’s not already!) as that’s an experiment I did not think through well enough, but the story has a special place in my heart, so it won’t ever really die. I used to just blog about stuff that pissed me off, so I’m probably going to do that again. It’s a great outlet to just word vomit into the abyss that is the internet, and once it’s out there, it just kind of goes away. I’ve also been toying with the idea of making videos, but that requires me to do something with my hair.
I don’t know if I should go into this with a plan. I never had a plan before, I just did it, and that’s how creativity works. Yes, you can manufacture it, and you can force yourself to churn out shit until it turns to gold, but every time I’ve tried that I burn out. So what’s the solution? I guess, just doing it.