Seeing as I’m about 1000 words short of where I should be at this point, I figured what better time for me, the learned, prolific author, to craft a blog post of tips to help you, the struggling writing novice, reach your NaNo goals?
Here are my top five tips on how to keep the momentum going through National Novel Writing Month. You are so very welcome.
1. Get Snacks
When you’re in writing mode, or even when you’re not but supposed to be, hunger is a distraction you do not need, especially since walking to and from the fridge is a great procrastination tactic. Before sitting down with your laptop, notebook, chalk and slate, whatever, gather a plethora of writerly snicky-snacks to get you through. And when I say writerly, I mean foods inspired by some of the most prolific authors. Shakespeare was notably remembered for loving poutine and, in fact, credited the gravy, cheese-curdy dish for getting him through Hamlet which, coincidentally, he completed during a NaNo event (it was just called The Word Plague back then, and fell in March). Charles Dickinson, along with being paid by the word, credited his prose fertility to Gushers Sour Triple Berry Shock fruit snacks. Tweet at your favorite author, I’m sure they’ll take time out of their own writing schedule to tell you their favorite, inspiring treat.
2. Do Sprints
No, I don’t mean the thing where you set a timer for, say, 15 minutes and do nothing but write nonstop. I mean actual sprints–you’re going to need them after downing Jane Austen’s favorite Taco Bell order anyway. So strap on some running shoes and take off. But how will this help my writing? I can hear your unlearned little brains grinding away at the question. Simple: you will hate running so goddamned much, that if you give yourself two choices–run or write–you’re gonna write a fuckton. Also, running gives you endorphins, and endorphins make you happy, and happy people just don’t kill their husbands because he kept interrupting them.
3. Get in Touch with Your Muse
Or, at least try to. There are only nine of them and they’re notoriously difficult to get a hold of. Mine is Thalia, and she’s shockingly busy for someone mythological. I send her a text and three days later my inspiration comes in the form of:
sorry, thought i already texted back! LOL! how bout adding in a love triangle to spice things up? LOL IDK 🏺🎭💙
She’s also always asking me to sacrifice a goat to her for better ideas, and I’m like, bitch, who do you think you are, the devil?
4. Get in Touch with the Devil
Summoning an imp or even a full-fledged demon is easier than you think, it just takes a handful of candles, a bit of human blood (doesn’t have to be yours), and the all-encompassing desire to trade in your soul for a temporary, earth-while gift that is very likely to backfire on you in some poetic way (which, as a writer, you’ll be too appreciative of to be upset about). Imps are quicker and more reliable than demons to show, even when you get the ritual a little wrong (Latin is hard to pronounce), but their suggestions can be a bit cliche. On the plus side, you can often trick them into trading something else rather than your soul for ideas. I don’t even miss my Nintendo 64. Demons, however, are smarter, so they have amazing suggestions, but can’t be tricked as easily. So here’s a bonus #sataniclifehack for this list: sign away your soul to multiple demons, as many as possible. When you die, they’ll be too busy squabbling over who gets you that you’re bound to be able to slip away into another dimension. Science.
5. Get Someone Else To Do It For You
If all else fails, pull a Tom Clancy or James Patterson and just get somebody else to write your NaNo novel for you. This shit’s hard work, just churning out word after word, unsure where the plot’s going, how your characters are growing, if the theme is coming through at all, so you may as well leave the grunt work in someone else’s hands and hire a ghostwriter. Then you can sit back and wait til December. Or January. Or whenever. It’s fine guys, it’s all fiiiiine.
Good luck on finishing up your first full week of NaNoWriMo, guys! Remember, you should have at least 8,335 words by midnight tomorrow. So what you’re only halfway there, strap on your sports bra, pick up an E.A. Poe Chai Latte, call up Beelzebub, and get to it!