Blogmas: Bramas

So I know it’s the season of giving and all that, but I bought myself a present: new bras! I was really flat chested for a long time, then I put on a lot of weight, and the only thing good about that was finally having big squishy boobies. When I got back down to fighting weight this summer, I just didn’t know what to do with the old funbags. I knew I wasn’t still the “Almost A” that I was in high school, but the bras I’d gotten at the top of my weight were comically large and made me look like I was purposely wearing a shit ton of padding. I had (an still have) no interest in getting measured by some stranger in an underwear shop. Seriously, one time when I was at my heaviest I went to get new bras at like a Hanes Outlet or something, and the woman who worked there would just NOT LEAVE ME ALONE. Constant knocking on the fitting room door, checking on me while I searched the racks, asking if I wanted to be measured. Listen, lady, if I want your yellowed fingernails cupping my tatas, I’ll fucking tell you, but for now keep that measuring tape slathered in gods know how many other reluctant women’s  boob sweat far from me.

So I scoured the internet til I happened upon A Bra That Fits, and I followed those guidelines. I was shocked (SHOCKED I SAY) to read I was a 30DD. No way! Double Ds are like huge ole knockers, porn star titties, and I feel like I’m only just barely sexually dimorphic from a 13 year old boy. But I trusted the internet, as you do, and I ordered one from three different brands for a whopping $107 American. That. Is. A. Lot.

Shockingly, or not, a 30 inch band is just way too tight for me. I don’t really have much fat around my chest, but I do have, uh, what are they called? Oh, right, RIBS BONES. So I sent them back to Amazon and got my complete refund because Amazon is a boss ass bitch, and I ordered 32Ds from the same brands.

Shockingly, or not, my total was only $57 for the same thing but different sizes. Because women’s clothing is a fucking joke, and using less fabric costs more, I guess.

So why 32D and not 32DD? That’s the secret, you guys, the bra code is not at all what you think, or at least, not what I thought. A, B, C, D, DD, and so on (and there are a LOT of so ons…) are cup volumes, and the numbers are band sizes. Easy enough, right? And if the bands are numbered in inches and always the same, cups must always be the same too, right? WRONG. A 32C’s cup is not the same as a 34C’s cup which is not the same as a 36C’s cup. When the bands get bigger, the cups get smaller. So for every band size change going up in number, you must also change the cup going down, and vice versa. These are called sister sizes and they work like this:

30DD = 32D = 34C = 36B = 38A

Even though it’s a little bit complicated, it actually makes a lot of sense and totally negates my claim that women’s clothing is a fucking joke (but only bras are the exception).

So I got the 32Ds and they’re actually pretty nice. One has a cup gaping issue but I think that is due to the brand (everything I’ve read warns you that brand to brand you will find lots of differences, so I guess I’m back to women’s clothing be a fucking joke). Another’s band feels too tight still, so that might be going back, but I’m trying to break it in instead (another suggestion from the internet). And the third is pretty much perfect. I’ve found the goldilocks of bras. So while the suggested fit I got wasn’t totally spot on, it was pretty damn close, and I learned a hell of a lot about bras. If you wear a bra, you need to know these things too! So, merry Christmas, bra-wearers! Here’s your info!