For reasons unknown, Husband got it into his head that we, as a couple, need to subject ourselves to the entirety of the Fast and Furious movie franchise. Because I love him, I have agreed to devote 15 hours and 57 minutes of my life watching ethnically ambiguous men beat one another up furiously between races where they make their cars go, what I can only assume from the titles, is very, very fast.
We began with the first of what is currently only eight films: The Fast and the Furious. A la my She’s All That post, the following are my thoughts while watching, jotted down in real time in a notepad application on my phone. I have no screen shots, but I am sure, Dear Reader, that you remember this movie masterpiece frame by frame.
We’re 3 seconds in, and I can already tell this is not a movie that was made for my 31 year old lady demographic.
Are they gonna kill this truck driver? What the heck, I do NOT remember this at all!
Wouldn’t you stop if people were attacking your semi? How are you this good of a semi driver? Is this movie actually about semi drivers?
Jesus, this movie just feels like 2001.
PAUL WALKER!!! (My mom loved him.)
Is Paul Walker really going to have this girl cut the crusts off his sandwich? What a man baby.
This girl working at the diner (Jordana Brewster) is 2001 hot. She has no lips and a straight figure. 2001 was a simpler time.
Okay, Michelle Rodriguez just showed up and I am here for her.
“Sandwich crazy” needs to be entered into the DSM.
Who is this beardy fuck? Vince? Fuck off.
I’m feeling ultra gross how a tuna sandwich is being equated with Mia (Jordana Brewster) right now.
DON’T YOU EMBARRASS VIN DIESEL!
The movie is a commercial for NOS. I don’t know if that’s a brand, but I bet it is (and I refuse to look it up).
For a few seconds you see all these diverse people at the “car club” and you think this is nice, everyone getting together, but then they play music specifically from a person’s background and show how separate they actually are and–is that Ja Rule????
P Dubz’s car has blue lines under the hood so it is the coolest car there.
No hot lady with a flag signaling the drivers to go? What kinda bullshit car racing movie is this?
No one going 200mph would stop that easily.
The real miracle of this film is that, in the scene where they scatter from the police, no one hits anyone else.
I feel like I don’t even need to say this, but I’m gonna: All of these lines are terrible, and they even terriblier delivered. I had to make up a new word to express how terrible this dialogue is.
Now there’s a motorcycle gang! And they’re Asian! But they weren’t invited to the car club! But they race too! They have a turf war! What the hell?!
Dem cheek bones doe, dem tight pants doe! Johnny Tran needs his own movie.
AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhahahahahahahaha the car BLEW UP.
All these lit candles at this drunk-person party–this house is going up in flames like that car.
Waaaaaay back in 2001 there were NO WOMEN on the police force.
Do you think anybody thought twice about calling this yearly dessert meetup “Race Wars?” Like do you think the writers, producers, or directors considered different names? Or do you think there’s a complicated, in-universe reason for the name?
This drop out with ADD should be the main character.
Vince fucking sucks.
Either I am thinking way too hard about this, or the director really wanted to give this backyard bbq a last supper vibe, and Vince is Judas. Or maybe it’s Paul Walker. Or maybe I’m thinking too hard about it.
I don’t think there are this many parking spaces readily available in LA.
P Dubz is a bad liar.
Okay, so Vince still fucking sucks, but he isn’t wrong about P Dubz being a cop. Man this is rough.
I just stopped paying attention for the last like 20 minutes and when I looked back up Vin Diesel was grabbing Michelle Rodriguez’s ass in such an awkward way that it looked like he was going to tear her in half buttcheeks first.
Okay, this movie is just Grease without the music. OMG what I would give to see Fast and Furious and Fabulous.
OMG SPOILER ALERT: Vin Diesel was the bad guy all along, I cannot fucking believe this!
Well it looks like, in a completely uncharacteristic turn of events, Michelle Rodriguez decided to wear her seatbelt and that happened to be the one time a car rolled over. Thank you for making a good choice and being a role model for all the kids who will see this movie.
The reveal that P Dubz is a cop to Vin Diesel was actually pretty great. This is easily the best scene in this film acting-wise, writing-wise, even how its shot.
Also giving the truck driver a shot gun was a good choice. You don’t see a lot of shot guns in movies anymore. Or at least I don’t. Maybe I’m watching the wrong kinda movies.
Is this thing ever going to end? There is so much yelling, and bullets, and revving engines.
Guess Johnny Tran isn’t getting his own movie.
Ooo, Vinny D and P Duz gonna talk the only way the know how: by racing!
The greatest love story of this film is the one between Paul Walker and Vin Diesel.
Choo choo, mother fucker!
Are we really doin this, bro? Yep!
Like Vin, I did NOT see that semi coming. (Hey there, Ashley from way after watching the movie here: Vin Diesel headed up a ring of robbers who heisted semi truck goods. Then Vin Diesel gets hit by/runs into a semi truck. I did not get this connection when I watched it, but now…are the writers of this franchise actually geniuses???)
KISS KISS KISS!!!!
Spoiler Alert: Paul Walker and Vin Diesel did NOT kiss. Guess they’re saving that for the second movie.