July is usually exciting. It’s both my and Husband’s birthday month, it’s warm enough to go swimming and do other fun summer activities, and it’s Camp NaNo, but in the midst of everything else going on in the world…well, you know.
Regardless, I’m using the summer version of National Novel Writing Month to write, write, write, and by August 1st, I intend to have a near-complete first draft of the finale of the Vacancy/Moonlit Shores Manor Series. I’m pretty excited about the plot and the beats I have set up utilizing the Save The Cat method, and the writing I did today (2571 words) felt really good.
I considered going on, but I want to pace myself, avoid burnout, and I am still working on a few other things like listening to and assessing auditions for the She’s All Thaumaturgy audio book, making sure people know about the free copies of SAT, reorganizing my working calendar for the rest of the year, doing some minor plotting for a future project, and still going back and reorganizing and working on the first two Vacancy books. I figure if all I do all day is stare at the screen and try to push out new words, I’m going to fall into that mid-month slump as always, so I’m trying to stay minorly active in a few other projects to make myself want to come back to drafting. I’ll let you know if it works.
I also kinda, sorta engaged in something stupid today. I mean, I didn’t think it was stupid at the time, and parts of it objectively weren’t, but I spent too much time on something that I’m probably not going to be able to change, and almost certainly have made myself into the bad guy of, taking the attention off the actual problem. It’s really not important in the long run, I just have really strong feelings about justice–I always have–and I let that take over sometimes. It often ends up to my detriment which should really say something about me, and I’m usually pretty good at sympathizing with others, but historically that sympathy hasn’t been returned when I’ve made mistakes. Maybe that’s my bad.
I guess I let things build up and don’t say anything, absorbing slights and mistreatment–things that maybe I only perceive as malicious–and “teach people how to treat me” in failing to express what hurts or bothers me. I fear confrontation until it gets to be too much, and then let it all go. I’ve done this a couple times in my life and lost friendships that meant a lot to me. This thought process isn’t to do with what happened today; today was the result of many months of boredom and overwhelming annoyance at many things. But today’s stuff got me thinking about this issue as a whole.
I’m typically too afraid to address issues with everybody. I don’t like this about myself, but when I try to correct for it I like the version of myself that stands up and says something even less. I’m not sure if I like version two less because I think other people like her less, or if she’s actually worse, but the real problem is not liking either that much at all.
I wanted 2020 to be my year of being “extra,” to embrace the things I love and do what feels right and not giving a shit what anyone else thinks. I still want that for me, and I’ve tried to branch out into new stuff, but I’m just so intensely set in my too-scared-what-everyone-else-thinks ways that stepping out of my comfort zone makes me so full of anxiety that I cannot let go and recover from those things. I have an issue letting things go, but not getting closure doesn’t help.
I guess as I look forward to what I am hoping for myself in my 33rd year, I can’t help but look back and try to figure out what to do better and differently. There was a time many, many years ago when I had a Tumblr account that started off great, I learned so much from there and met amazing people, and it made me so happy, but then it devolved, I was miserable, and I was so deep in that I actually thought escaping it would be worse than sticking around because if I was sad then, imagine how much sadder I’d be after. But then one day I actually did just get rid of it, and the sense of relief I had was amazing. I know in a lot of ways that is what I need to do again, but there’s more riding on the things I want to drop now, and it may not be feasible. So instead of running away from something, I need to face it. And that’s a lot.
Anyway, that’s how day one of camp made me feel. How about you?