thoughts, Writing

If I’m Going To Die


I had a little scare recently, and I don’t want to act like it was bigger than it actually was, but with the way things were going in general in life, and with my anxiety at its highest (which is saying something since this happened after the fucking mouth “tumor”), I did sorta, kinda, a little bit think I was going to die.

Mortality becomes more plausible the older I get, but it’s still sort of just this idea that puts me into an existential crisis if I think too hard on it. So maybe I didn’t think about me dying in the traditional way. It wasn’t so much that I thought I was going to die and then what, but that I thought I was going to die and then I’d be out of time.

And the one thing I really honed in on being left undone was writing. Sure I never got to Europe, I never built and funded an animal sanctuary, I never had children, but specifically writing this one book that’s been in the back of my mind for many years rose to the top. It’s my “masterpiece” (if such a thing could ever exist), but the thing is, I’m not a good enough writer or storyteller to do it now. But I told myself if I really were dying, I’d drop everything and just write that book which is probably a pretty good indicator of what I should do.

So I’m not dying, just to be clear, but the nagging to write that book is still there like it always has been, it’s just different now. I know I should do it, maybe be doing it, in order to feel accomplished and like everything’s been worth it. We never really know how much time we have, but for most of us it’s this far out, projected thing that ends peacefully with tons of warning signs and preparation. No one wants to end up a ghost because of unfinished business.

But I’m still not going to do it. Not yet. I understand how crucial writing it is to me now and, more importantly, how I have to evolve in order to do it. A better version of me has to exist before that book can–the best version, really, but if I wait for that it’ll never get done, and that’s what I sort of learned. I won’t put it off forever, waiting for Ashley version 10.0 to come to fruition and do it immaculately, but I will work up to it, and I’m pretty optimistic that I’ll get there.

2 thoughts on “If I’m Going To Die”

  1. You and I have the same mindset when it comes to working on our most precious story — that we had to wait until we grew a little more into a better and more experienced version of ourselves before we could write it/finish it.

    I’ve been working on mine since I was a preteen, but I’ve purposefully put it off on several occasions. I’ve noticed that, each time I come back to it, the writing is more mature, and I am more satisfied. But you’re right, we can’t hold off forever. I actually had someone in college get irked at me for taking multiple breaks and never “finishing” the piece. They didn’t understand our process, our mindset. And you know what? They ended up writing and publishing something, but it has very few reviews and sounds like a 7th grader wrote it who is still struggling to learn grammar and punctuation. Rushing to completion and publishing is not synonymous to a quality work of art.

    Just wanted to say that I feel you on this post. We will get there.

    Liked by 2 people

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