I’ve rewritten this blog about four times this morning because I’ve got the desire to put some feelings out there, but I’m not sure what those even are. I woke up about an hour ago with this overwhelming wave of melancholy that I need to rinse off with words. Cast off the ick, throw it into the abyss of the internet, watch it spiral into obscurity–it’s a ritual that’s always made me feel better.
So, I guess I’ll just dump all my career-related woes here and flush them away:
- I’m having trouble envisioning success.
- I need to nix the word “deserve” from my vocabulary.
- I should just write the story that I want to write.
- I gotta focus.
- I have to stop worrying about who will be impressed and who will think less of me for what I’m doing–in fact, I have to realize no one thinks about me at all especially since they don’t care one iota about what I create.
- I have to stop caring that other people don’t care.
- I need to appreciate my tiny circle of people who do care.
- I need more page reads, more sales, more reviews, more eyes on my stuff.
- I need to finish this trilogy so I can start advertising.
- I’ve got to get ahold of my fear and self loathing in regard to advertising.
- I must learn to accept I will probably never be on a shelf.
- I’d really like to see other’s success and feel more inspiration than desperation.
- I want to feel okay asking for help.
- I’d like to cultivate confidence in my work that keeps me from stalling but doesn’t allow me to be okay with crap.
- I need to find my audience.
- I wanna make money god damnit, and I don’t want to feel bad about that!
I know the solution to just about everything here is “just write” and “see a therapist,” so back to Scrivener which serves both of those needs.