Getting There

I’ve rewritten this blog about four times this morning because I’ve got the desire to put some feelings out there, but I’m not sure what those even are. I woke up about an hour ago with this overwhelming wave of melancholy that I need to rinse off with words. Cast off the ick, throw it into the abyss of the internet, watch it spiral into obscurity–it’s a ritual that’s always made me feel better.

So, I guess I’ll just dump all my career-related woes here and flush them away:

  • I’m having trouble envisioning success.
  • I need to nix the word “deserve” from my vocabulary.
  • I should just write the story that I want to write.
  • I gotta focus.
  • I have to stop worrying about who will be impressed and who will think less of me for what I’m doing–in fact, I have to realize no one thinks about me at all especially since they don’t care one iota about what I create.
  • I have to stop caring that other people don’t care.
  • I need to appreciate my tiny circle of people who do care.
  • I need more page reads, more sales, more reviews, more eyes on my stuff.
  • I need to finish this trilogy so I can start advertising.
  • I’ve got to get ahold of my fear and self loathing in regard to advertising.
  • I must learn to accept I will probably never be on a shelf.
  • I’d really like to see other’s success and feel more inspiration than desperation.
  • I want to feel okay asking for help.
  • I’d like to cultivate confidence in my work that keeps me from stalling but doesn’t allow me to be okay with crap.
  • I need to find my audience.
  • I wanna make money god damnit, and I don’t want to feel bad about that!

I know the solution to just about everything here is “just write” and “see a therapist,” so back to Scrivener which serves both of those needs.

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