Drop

Anger is addictive. Next to food, it’s my drug of choice, and it’s at the top of the list of things I’d like to drop.

The problem is, it feels good to be mad, doesn’t it? Of course, no, not really. Being in a foul mood, yelling, finding irritation in everything–these aren’t pleasant experiences. But they can be cathartic, and that’s, well, it’s kinda bullshit, isn’t it? I mean, what the fuck? Shit that makes me feel good should be good for me! God damnit brain, GET IT TOGETHER!

Whew, see how easy it is?

I have some coping mechanisms, I tell myself to “be zen,” and I ask myself if this person–the one who’s angry all the time–is who I want to be. The answer is “no” 99% of the time. But I do struggle with being the kind of person who lets things go and ending up actually the kind of person who gets walked all over. It’s not one or the other, surely, but you must admit, it’s more of one or the other.

The key might be to drop even more and sooner. Don’t hold onto annoyances, but don’t let them go. Air your grievances, let every day be Festivus, and maybe less of those things that bug you will happen in the future. But probably not a whole lot less, so you gotta just let some stuff go. Or not. I don’t fucking know.

Flow and Core

When I said I’d had the worst day of the year way back on the third, well, I was right, but somehow I’ve experienced it again already…so far. Yesterday was awful. The sickness I’ve been fighting off since early November (that Husband has suffered with for the past two months) came at me full force. I’ll spare you the details, but it was a day of me laying on the couch in my leopard-print-iest of pajamas, taking cough medicine, and lazily watching makeup tutorials on YouTube. Beauty gurus just have some of the most soothing voices.

So that meant today I had to make up for yesterday. I started the morning with Flow, and it felt great. It was a slightly more active session, but that was welcome. We had another lovely day today, so I took a long walk in the afternoon, and another with Husband in the evening, and I just finished up Core under the soft glow of my salt lamp.

A day that starts and ends with yoga is a pretty good day, I have to say, even if it comes on the heels of sickness, though my throat is raw again, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need to medicate to sleep, which is right on the horizon for me. But more interesting than that, a friend posted something on Facebook that hit me like a sack of Harry Potter and Order Of The Phoenix…s. I hope, if she ever sees this, she doesn’t mind me quoting her, it was just she said something so utterly true to my thought process lately:

I’m torn between wanting to be reproachful and wanting to feel hurt, and wanting to move on and be kind without looking back on the past.

I’ll spare you the details, though they are interesting and blog worthy, I’m just not up for that tonight. The gist is: when you own a feeling, it’s hard to let it go, and is letting it go really the right move to make? I’ve wanted for a while to write a blog on “forgiveness” and how it’s such a fucked up concept, how it’s really only for other people, but I don’t want to muddy those thoughts with the addictiveness of anger, and I know I’m all too often at anger’s mercy.

While I worked on flowing and connecting parts of myself this morning and ended my day focusing on my core, my I am chakra, I realized just how far away I actually am from knowing who I am. Maybe that’s okay, and maybe the truth is knowing that I’ll never know. Maybe the most important thing is just being willing to look inward and shine a light into the darkest places. Maybe it’s most important to not worry about yourself, and just focus on what your words and actions will do to everyone else. I guess it just matters what your end goal is.