Thoughts While Watching 2001’s The Fast And The Furious

For reasons unknown, Husband got it into his head that we, as a couple, need to subject ourselves to the entirety of the Fast and Furious movie franchise. Because I love him, I have agreed to devote 15 hours and 57 minutes of my life watching ethnically ambiguous men beat one another up furiously between races where they make their cars go, what I can only assume from the titles, is very, very fast.

We began with the first of what is currently only eight films: The Fast and the Furious. A la my She’s All That post, the following are my thoughts while watching, jotted down in real time in a notepad application on my phone. I have no screen shots, but I am sure, Dear Reader, that you remember this movie masterpiece frame by frame.

We’re 3 seconds in, and I can already tell this is not a movie that was made for my 31 year old lady demographic.

Are they gonna kill this truck driver? What the heck, I do NOT remember this at all!

Wouldn’t you stop if people were attacking your semi? How are you this good of a semi driver? Is this movie actually about semi drivers?

Jesus, this movie just feels like 2001.

PAUL WALKER!!! (My mom loved him.)

Is Paul Walker really going to have this girl cut the crusts off his sandwich? What a man baby.

This girl working at the diner (Jordana Brewster) is 2001 hot. She has no lips and a straight figure. 2001 was a simpler time.

Okay, Michelle Rodriguez just showed up and I am here for her.

“Sandwich crazy” needs to be entered into the DSM.

Who is this beardy fuck? Vince? Fuck off.

I’m feeling ultra gross how a tuna sandwich is being equated with Mia (Jordana Brewster) right now.

DON’T YOU EMBARRASS VIN DIESEL!

The movie is a commercial for NOS. I don’t know if that’s a brand, but I bet it is (and I refuse to look it up).

For a few seconds you see all these diverse people at the “car club” and you think this is nice, everyone getting together, but then they play music specifically from a person’s background and show how separate they actually are and–is that Ja Rule????

P Dubz’s car has blue lines under the hood so it is the coolest car there.

No hot lady with a flag signaling the drivers to go? What kinda bullshit car racing movie is this?

No one going 200mph would stop that easily.

The real miracle of this film is that, in the scene where they scatter from the police, no one hits anyone else.

I feel like I don’t even need to say this, but I’m gonna: All of these lines are terrible, and they even terriblier delivered. I had to make up a new word to express how terrible this dialogue is.

Now there’s a motorcycle gang! And they’re Asian! But they weren’t invited to the car club! But they race too! They have a turf war! What the hell?!

Dem cheek bones doe, dem tight pants doe! Johnny Tran needs his own movie.

AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhahahahahahahaha the car BLEW UP.

All these lit candles at this drunk-person party–this house is going up in flames like that car.

Waaaaaay back in 2001 there were NO WOMEN on the police force.

Do you think anybody thought twice about calling this yearly dessert meetup “Race Wars?” Like do you think the writers, producers, or directors considered different names? Or do you think there’s a complicated, in-universe reason for the name?

FLOPPY DISKS.

This drop out with ADD should be the main character.

Vince fucking sucks.

Either I am thinking way too hard about this, or the director really wanted to give this backyard bbq a last supper vibe, and Vince is Judas. Or maybe it’s Paul Walker. Or maybe I’m thinking too hard about it.

I don’t think there are this many parking spaces readily available in LA.

P Dubz is a bad liar.

Okay, so Vince still fucking sucks, but he isn’t wrong about P Dubz being a cop. Man this is rough.

I just stopped paying attention for the last like 20 minutes and when I looked back up Vin Diesel was grabbing Michelle Rodriguez’s ass in such an awkward way that it looked like he was going to tear her in half buttcheeks first.

Okay, this movie is just Grease without the music. OMG what I would give to see Fast and Furious and Fabulous.

OMG SPOILER ALERT: Vin Diesel was the bad guy all along, I cannot fucking believe this!

Well it looks like, in a completely uncharacteristic turn of events, Michelle Rodriguez decided to wear her seatbelt and that happened to be the one time a car rolled over. Thank you for making a good choice and being a role model for all the kids who will see this movie.

The reveal that P Dubz is a cop to Vin Diesel was actually pretty great. This is easily the best scene in this film acting-wise, writing-wise, even how its shot.

Also giving the truck driver a shot gun was a good choice. You don’t see a lot of shot guns in movies anymore. Or at least I don’t. Maybe I’m watching the wrong kinda movies.

Is this thing ever going to end? There is so much yelling, and bullets, and revving engines.

Guess Johnny Tran isn’t getting his own movie.

Ooo, Vinny D and P Duz gonna talk the only way the know how: by racing!

The greatest love story of this film is the one between Paul Walker and Vin Diesel.

Choo choo, mother fucker!

Are we really doin this, bro? Yep!

Like Vin, I did NOT see that semi coming. (Hey there, Ashley from way after watching the movie here: Vin Diesel headed up a ring of robbers who heisted semi truck goods. Then Vin Diesel gets hit by/runs into a semi truck. I did not get this connection when I watched it, but now…are the writers of this franchise actually geniuses???)

KISS KISS KISS!!!!

Spoiler Alert: Paul Walker and Vin Diesel did NOT kiss. Guess they’re saving that for the second movie.

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Blogoween Day 14 – Favorite Horror Comedy Films

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My favorite genre of film might just be the horror-comedy. I want to be scared and grossed out, and I want to laugh about it. These are hard to do right, I think, because they can’t be comedies in Halloween costumes–no, they must first and foremost be horror films that are also funny. For instance: Scary Movie and its sequels are comedies (and I use the term loosely) wearing Halloween costumes (though I will admit I love Anna Faris and Scary Movie 2 has a special place in my heart for being so fucking quotable). The Scary Movies and their ilk sacrifice many of the elements that make a good horror film for comedic elements. In a truly good horror-comedy, the humor is found within the horror. The laughter usually lightens the mood, but a lot of these movies are still dark, gruesome, or downright scary. So if you’re interested in being spooked, but not too spooked, this season, check these out:

TDvEvil
“We’ve had a doozy of a day.”

Tucker and Dale vs Evil

I remember seeing this movie constantly be suggested for me on Netflix and being pissed off because I assumed it was about two rednecks who get all self-righteous and fight some zombies. I was wrong enough to absolutely fall in love with this A+ film. This movie does just about everything right from the characterization of the main hillbillies to the so-shocking-you-have-to-laugh death scenes. It’s bloody, it’s wild, and it’s great. Also, Alan Tudyk.

 

shadows
“I hit an artery.”

What We Do In The Shadows

This would probably be a desert island pick for me, right up there with just about every other mockumentary I’ve ever seen (my other favorite genre). This might be a dubious pick to some because it is so funny that it could be argued it is first and foremost a comedy, but even if so, to hell with it because it’s hilarious. I also find the characters really endearing and their stories somewhat compelling, so it ticks even more boxes about what a good film should be. Also, I hear they’re making a television show as a follow up now? Normally I hate when someone so good gets capitalized on, because it’s usually just that–an attempt at a fat check–but I have faith in the people who made this.

 

shaun
“Fuck-a-doodle-do!”

Shaun of the Dead

Probably one of the most deserving movies to be considered classified as a horror film first, then a comedy, SOTD also does a great job of depicting what would actually happen during a zombie outbreak–one in 2004 London, at least. Anything with Simon Pegg is usually good, but this movie is exceptional as are the other two in the “Blood and Ice Cream” trilogy.

deathgasm
“Do demons recognize daylight savings?”

Deathgasm

Okay, I know that’s…quite a title, but hear me out! I actually found Deathgasm because I was looking for a bad movie. I though, based on the title and description, it was going to be one of those B-movie gems that’s so bad it’s good, but it actually turned out to be so good that I felt bad for underestimating it. Then I felt bad because not more people know about it! It’s just so much fun. This movie has everything: heavy metal, demons, zombies, weaponized dildos. It also explores the concepts of friendship, competition, and what evil actually is, all covered with a nice, thick coating of blood.

housbound
“You cannot punch ectoplasm.”

Housebound

While very funny, Housebound actually scared me a number of times. Recalling it, I think I felt more fear than joviality, and that’s because unlike the others on my list, this movie explores horror from a strictly paranormal aspect. There is no marveling at how insane it is that zombies–you know, like actual zombies from the movies–are walking amongst the characters and no over-the-top gore to under-react to for a laugh. There’s just a haunting, a mystery, and actual fear. It will make you laugh though, especially due to Rima Te Wiata’s portrayal of the sweet but daft mother.

Honorable Mention: The entire country of New Zealand. This list wouldn’t exist if not for the great kiwi nation and I’m forever indebted to them for so many gems.

Blogoween Day 10 – Witchcrafting Wednesday: Twilight Graveyard

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Happy Witchcrafting Wednesday! As a hurricane makes landfall just south of us and as I pack up all of our belongings to prepare for our big move (which I’m not sure I’ve talked about here or not yet, so surprise!) I managed to bang out another video. I have very few craft supplies at my dispense, so I grabbed one of the few things not yet packed away and came up with an alternative.

Please enjoy what isn’t actually crafting but my commentary on the first half of the 2008 masterpiece, Twilight.

Thoughts While Watching 1999’s “She’s All That” For The First Time In Probably 10+ Years

(Note, I only started taking screenshots at the very end. Sorry.)

No one looks like that in high school. Not in the 90s anyway.

Matthew goddamned Lillard.

Did Usher actually attend this school as a student? Or was he just the school’s hired DJ? Why does a school need a DJ, hired or otherwise?

The things the edgy girls say to Laney in art class are SO FUCKING MEAN that I almost did a spit take. That shit is HARSH and a million times worse than anything Taylor does.

If I wasn’t attracted to women before Mac, I sure as fuck was after.

“Supersize my balls.”

I can’t tell if it’s a wig or not, but Laney’s long hair is weird. It is a wig, isn’t it?

Simon and I know exactly same amount about alcohol.

“What is Shampoo?”

Rachel Leigh Cook coming down the stairs to “Kiss Me” is i-con-ic.

“GIVE IT TO ME BABY!”

Petition to bring back the man-titties-out soccer shirts!

Zack’s blonde friend really takes a turn in the second act. Hey, that’s Paul Walker! Aw, takes a turn…oh no, I made myself sad.

Was Usher actually ever on set with any of the principle cast?

LANEY USES POOL PARTS IN HER PAINTINGS OMG WHAT A SMART FUCKING CHOICE FOR THE PROP DEPARTMENT. ALSO HOW IS THAT NOT A PIECE OF HER IN HER ARTWORK, MS. ART TEACHER?

Zack’s internal struggle is beautiful.

Was this movie sponsored by The Real World?

DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THE REAL WORLD?

Did anyone go to a school where people freestyled at all let alone about who was going to be prom queen? Do you think they wrote those freestyles and then titled the movie or decided on the title and then wrote it into the rap?

The pube pizza scene was something I had blocked out of my memory 19 years ago, and I am pissed off I’ve been subjected to it once again.

Their one use of “fuck” is spot on.

I really appreciate how they portrayed both Zack and Laney’s dads.

The prom photographer is all of us.

Why is Lil’ Kim in this movie if she doesn’t have any lines??

This guy’s hair:

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Inspiration: Pineapple

Taylor is wearing butterfly clips, face glitter, and gold lipstick to prom. Goddess.

taylor
Get on my level, Zack!

Usher implies he taught the students the choreography that the “dance team” performs during prom which suggests he may also be the dance instructor at the school? This weirdly makes sense to me, but I’m pissed off we never got a spin off called They’re All That And A Bag of Potato Chips staring Usher, Lil’ Kim, and Gabrielle Union going to and winning state.

Basically, the concept of the Usher DJ is a really novel idea, and I love it.

usher
WHY WOULD I EVER WANT TO ESCAPE THIS, COMPUTER, WHYYYYYYY???

This guy’s hair again:

this guy
I’m sorry, dancer, you didn’t deserve this.

She’s All That is basically Grease at this point, and I am here for it.

The dancers are wearing dance shoes. No matter what kind of dress they have on, they’ve all got Broadwayesque boxy heels on. I’m also here for that.

They should have made a live action Captain Planet with these guys as Earth and Fire:

cp
RIP Mr. Walker

Unpopular Opinion: Taylor deserved to be prom queen. She’s clearly going to peak in high school, she needed it more.

The race for Laney’s virginity admittedly makes me uncomfortable, but I’m unsure how this could have been written better. At least it works out well with Laney defending her own honor.

Usher is literally credited as “Campus DJ.” This doesn’t answer any of my questions.

Final Thought: This is an A+, high quality, 100% amazing FILM, and I recommend it to all of you right this very instant.