Blogoween Day 22 – Real Life Scary Things

blogoween

Today should be a Vacancy post, but there are too many things going on right now for me to dedicate the right amount of mental power to that. I’m really excited about the next episode, so I don’t want to cheese it. Unfortunately, Blogoween has become me hastily writing something late in the evening just for the sake of posting. There are pros and cons to this. Pro: I’m not breaking the habit, Con: It’s shit. I think the pros outweigh the cons, for me at least, so this will continue for now.

It’s really great being moved, but a new home always comes with problems. The internet got fixed today which is absolutely fabulous, but also frustrating because the issue was that Comcast had disconnected this house from the street pole, but did not have any kind of note in their own system that their own team did it, so throughout the whole process of me transferring the internet, calling to troubleshoot, traveling to their store on their request, and paying for a service call, the issue turned out to be something the company should have resolved on their own prior to my transfer. So now I have to return to an Xfinity store to give them back the extra equipment they gave me lest I be charged for it, and I have to get them to reimburse me for the service call since–by their own admission–this was not something I could have possibly fixed. I am unsurprised that America hates Comcast more than any other company.

I haven’t had any time to write lately, and that’s sort of bumming me out. Yes, I’m writing now, but it’s not the same. My brain is mush just like when I worked in what was essentially customer service–I’d expend all my mental energy at work and have nothing left to devote to words. I know this will pass, so I shouldn’t complain, but it perpetuates a cycle of feeling down and getting into a foul mood which often leads to eating poorly and then feeling like shit about my body and my willpower, so I guess I should just give up on everything and so forth and so it goes. It’s very first-world-problem of me to say that buying a home is making me depressed, but there it is. The list of things to do seems to grow by the day, towering over me, preparing to topple.

I’ve needed a good cry for a couple weeks now, I think. Stories ranging from terrorism to deaf dogs have all had me on the verge of tears, but I’ve been pretty overwhelmed with both a guilt about that desire, and judgement toward it for being utterly stupid. There’s no reason to cry, so just don’t, and also you’re not allowed to feel bad when there are other people who need emotional support.

On the plus side, fall is definitively in the air. We’re only eight hours north of where we used to live, but it’s decidedly cooler here, and the foliage visibly is marking the seasons. We were walking around our new neighborhood this evening, and I realized how stoked I’d be if I were a kid and new Halloween was around the corner living here. It’s the perfect neighborhood for trick or treating. I wish I could have gotten the yard all glammed up, but the spirit of the season will still be there. I’ve got candy and non-food treats ready to hand out, and we’ll have costumes, and I can’t ask for much more than that.

I’m also getting to physically be outside again which is a huge relief. I spent so long cooped up in that apartment. Of course, I could go out for a walk if I wanted, but the city seemed to get progressively more dangerous as we lived there, and it was far from peaceful. I found a number of awesome parks to walk to in the city, but getting there was often treacherous. I was accosted a lot, and there were a lot of reports of assaults in the area. The weather was also miserable this summer, but that’s just another reason to love fall.

I’m sorry this is such a bummer. If you made it this far, I’d like to commend you and leave you with something positive, buuuuuut I have no idea what that could be. I’m plum out of positivity. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m happy, I’m just…I guess I’m just tired. It’s funny how significantly different my mood can be if I just don’t sleep. So that’s what I’m going to do now. Recharge this brain, then tomorrow I’m going to exercise this body and I’m going to fuel it with healthy foods. I’ll unpack and focus on things that I love about this house and utilizing this space for creativity and growth. Tomorrow’s a new day and the possibilities are endless. Tonight is just what it is, and right now it needs to be sleep.

Advertisements

Blogoween Day 21 – Excuses and Complaints

I’m blogging via phone again. It is not growing on me.

After the world’s most unsuccessful internet chat with Xfinity where I was transferred to sales yet again for something that was competely unrelated, I called and set up a tech appointment. The guy was confused why I needed a tech when the internet was working at this address earlier this month. We are both confused, random man in India, we are both confused.

We went appliance shopping, and it was terrible. I miss Famous Tate. Sears Outlet is a rip-off. 40% off for a scratch means nothing when the original was already marked up by 60%. THIS IS WHY YOU’RE GOING BANKRUPT. Well, that and greed. And there are no fridges that fit in the irregular hole in this kitchen. NONE.

The cats are having a hard time. We’re finally away from noisy neighbors, but sleep is still out of reach. For now.

Blogmas: Exhaustion

How is it already setting in? It’s only day 13, not even a fortnight, and yet I am just…blah. I am so blah I got unnecessarily angry at Husband this morning on what was a really important day for him. Not because it was an important day, of course, but because I’m a little overwhelmed. And that’s really dumb because no one should be overwhelmed by Christmas. Christmas shouldn’t be an obligation, and that’s exactly what I said I wasn’t going to let it be when I started this whole thing.

But here’s the truth: holidays are almost always at least a little obligatory for women. In most cases we bear the emotional load of our relationships, or are at least expected to. And as a lifelong people pleaser, I have an especially hard time with this. I did all the shopping for Husband’s family and my own. When he tells me I don’t have to do this, I tell him yes I do because my options are either do the shopping or get blamed for the shopping not being done because it doesn’t really occur to most people that the male spouse of a hetero couple should be responsible for at least 50% of everything in a household, and perhaps even 100% responsible for tasks to do with his family of origin. So my real options are A) get it done or B) disappoint people and be seen as “that bitch,” and my chronic people pleasing gives me too much anxiety for B.

I’ve also been staying up too late recently. I realize I’ve probably never said this, but I get up at 4:30 on weekday mornings. That’s early! Husband and I drive together since we work really close to one another, and we leave by 6:30, so I use those two hours for yoga, showering, getting ready, cat care things, and sometimes a chore. Two hours goes by really fast, especially if you get distracted by your wordpress feed, but I’ve really come to be a morning person thanks to yoga. The only problem is, in order to get eight hours of sleep, I need to be asleep by 8:30. Not in bed, but a-fucking-sleep. My compromise is to have my Fitbit remind me to start getting ready for bed at 8:45 so I can be under the covers by 9:00. But if you have any idea when my last couple blogs were posted, you know that did NOT happen.

Also, I’ve got my period right now, so the fatigue could just be from how hard my uterus is working to slough out all these dead cells. Who knows!

Ultimately, I am tired. But not tired of Christmas. I’m still really pleased when I look at my tree, and I’m excited about upcoming plans. The biggest problem right now, I think, is that my house is a mess. There are boxes and receipts everywhere. It needs to be vacuumed and wiped down, laundry–clean and dirty–is piling up as well as dishes despite that I’ve hardly cook at home recently, and things just feel so disorganized! I know that I only truly feel relaxed when my house is clean and organized, and this is probably my problem. Oh woe is me to have such big problems, eh?

I wish I had a fun story to tell today or a project I’m working on, but really, I’m just getting by. I’m hoping to cook some soup this weekend, do some crafts, finish up all my presents and get this house in order for the final push, so maybe the next couple days will be more interesting. But for now, well, it’s 7:30 and I think I’m about to go to bed.